**AITA for getting my boss's husband fired from his job as a "professional cuddler"?**
Like, I (31F) work for this super pretentious wellness startup. My boss, "Karen" (40sF), is a walking yoga mat who talks about her "energy alignment" like it's a credit score. We all know her husband, "Brad" (50sM), is a do-nothing grifter whose "job" is being a "Professional Cuddler." For *real*. He charges people $90 an hour to spoon.
So last week, I'm suffering from crippling seasonal depression (aka "Wednesday"), and on a whim, I book a session with him under a burner account. I figure, maybe a non-sexual hug will fix my broken soul? TL;DR: It did not.
The session starts. Brad comes in wearing a hemp onesie and smelling like a petting zoo. He tries to do "breath work" while holding my foot. I’m already cringing so hard I’m about to turn into a black hole. But then he starts whispering affirmations like, "You are a beautiful river..." and I literally lose it. I start crying—not from healing, but from the sheer, unadulterated cringe.
In my panic, I sneeze a massive, wet sneeze directly onto his bald head. He flinches, rolls off the massage table, and lands on a pile of essential oils. Now his back is all greasy and he's screaming that I "broke his chi." Somehow, he falls backward and gets his onesie caught on a diffuser, dragging it off the shelf. Glass shatters. Ylang-ylang everywhere.
The landlord of the strip mall (yeah, his "healing space" is above a vape shop) evicts him for "disturbing the peace" and "unsanitary