**FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE**
**FAIRBANKS, AK – In a move that has sparked a firestorm of moral outrage from coast to coast, the remote village of Noorvik has become the first municipality in the United States to officially decriminalize “Digital Cannibalism”—the act of harvesting and consuming one’s own biometric data for cryptocurrency.
Local officials, citing the long winter darkness and a need for “non-traditional economic stimulus,” passed a law allowing residents to sell their genetic information, eye scans, and even neural patterns to “SoulMaxx,” a shadowy synthetic biology startup, for immediate use as “protein-based algorithmic fuel.”
Critics are calling it the final nail in the coffin for human dignity. “Alaska has officially jumped the Alaska-sized shark,” said Dr. Helena Vance, a bioethicist at Harvard. “This isn’t innovation; it’s a sacrament for the cult of convenience. We are literally eating our own future, selling the last vestiges of our privacy for a hot meal and a microchip. It’s the collapse of societal respect for the self, commodified down to the last synapse.”
Residents defend the practice, calling it “subsistence 2.0.” “Why pay for heat when you can watch your own health data get digested by an AI for 50 cents per kilobyte?” one local hunter commented. “It’s more honest than a credit score.”
The policy has already gone viral, with stock in SoulMaxx soaring while parental rights groups and religious leaders declare a moral emergency. #AlaskaEatsItself is currently trending globally.