Oh great, ANOTHER headline from the state that’s just there to remind the rest of us that our lives are boring. Buckle up, Reddit.
**BREAKING: Local Sasquatch Files Cease & Desist Against Tourist Who Tried to "Vibe Check" Him With a Salmon**
*(Anchorage, AK)* — In a story that absolutely nobody asked for, authorities are investigating a "highly aggressive" encounter at a remote fishing spot after a man from Ohio—shockingly, it’s always Ohio—reportedly tried to "establish dominance" over what he *claims* was a Bigfoot by slapping it in the face with a 15-pound king salmon.
Witnesses say the creature, described as "pissed off and smelling like wet dog and regret," reportedly let out a sound that one biologist described as "the audio equivalent of a dial-up modem screaming 'AITA?'" before retreating into the brush. The tourist, identified as "Chad" (obviously), later told troopers he was just trying to "get a good TikTok."
The man now faces charges for "creature harassment" and "fish abuse," a Class B misdemeanor. Local wildlife officials are baffled, but one ranger was overheard muttering, "This is fine. This is fine. Everything is fine."
**TL;DR:** Man tries to vibe check a cryptid with raw salmon. Cryptid wins. Alaska is still winning at being a place where common sense goes to die. AITA for hoping the Sasquatch eats his GoPro next time? 🐻🍣