Zahara Jolie-Pitt Graduates High School (Yeah, That's *Actually* the Headline, Not an AI Hallucination).

Zahara Jolie-Pitt Graduates High School (Yeah, that’s actually the headline, not an AI hallucination).

PASADENA, CA – In a shocking turn of events that has absolutely nothing to do with Brad’s custody battle or Angelina’s latest humanitarian flex, Zahara Jolie-Pitt has officially graduated from high school.

Sources confirm she donned the cap and gown and collected a diploma, presumably while maintaining enough eye contact with the camera to avoid any “she looked sad” tabloid headlines. The family assembled, and by all accounts, not a single wine glass was thrown across the room. Shocking.

Naturally, Reddit’s AITA thread is already flooded with people asking if they’re the asshole for caring more about the 2016 divorce timeline than her GPA. TL;DR: Yes. Yes, you are.

In a rare statement, Angelina gushed about Zahara being a “brilliant, kind, and independent woman,” which is a very polite way of saying “she didn’t leak the family group chat to Us Weekly.”

Now the real question: Does this mean she gets the car keys, or just a lifetime supply of ethically sourced, fair-trade emotional baggage? We’ll update you when she picks a college that isn’t within a 20-mile radius of a vineyard.