**TSA Gold+ Now Lets You Skip the Line, Get a Handjob, and Still Lose Your Luggage 💀**

TSA Gold+ Now Lets You Skip the Line, Get a Handjob, and Still Lose Your Luggage 💀

AITA for thinking the TSA finally invented a program that actually makes sense? TL;DR - they announced TSA Gold+, where for the low, low price of selling your firstborn and a non-refundable $899/year, you get to skip all security lines, get patted down by a literal golden retarded retriever, and receive a complimentary “luxury” cavity search from a guy who moonlights as a mall Santa.

But here’s the kicker, folks. The “Gold+” part? It means you still have to take off your shoes, but now they’re gilded and you have to lick the crumbs off the screening bin. The screening itself? They just wave a metal detector wand over your soul while a robot screams “CONSENT DENIED” in binary.

The best part? They promise “expedited screening with a gold-star review” and then your bag still gets lost, but now it’s lost with a velvet rope. Truly, the American dream, but with more airport anxiety.

So yeah, if you’re not paying for the privilege to be profiled with a fancier clipboard, AITA for paying $899 just to be told I’m a “priority risk”? Because I’m starting to think this country is just a giant, delayed departure. ✈️🚮