**BREAKING: TSA Introduces 'TSA Gold+' – For When You Want to Be Groped by a VIP**

BREAKING: TSA Introduces ‘TSA Gold+’ – For When You Want to Be Groped by a VIP

In a move that has the internet simultaneously laughing and screaming into the void, the TSA has announced its latest pre-check upgrade: TSA Gold+. And no, it’s not a credit card — it’s a premium security line where you pay extra to be patted down by someone who maintains eye contact.

The roll-out comes after weeks of viral complaints that “PreCheck isn’t posh enough.” Lowly TSA PreCheck members can keep their shoes on, sure, but Gold+ members reportedly get a personal escort, a complimentary bag swab, and — here’s the kicker — the agent will apologize before fondling your waistband.

But the internet is having none of it.

“TSA Gold+ sounds like the world’s worst luxury subscription,” wrote one user. “I pay $179/year for a stranger to tell me ’nice belt buckle’ while checking my groin for explosive residue. Where do I sign up for the Platinum colonoscopy?”

The funniest part? The system has tiers. Bronze: you’re felt up. Silver: you’re felt up, but they use lotion. Gold+: you’re felt up by someone wearing a tie.

Critics argue it’s the ultimate dystopian flex: “You can’t afford to be violated by the government comfortably?”

Meanwhile, the new tagline is already trending: “TSA Gold+: Because poverty is a cavity search.”