**TSA Gold+ Announces ‘Priority Screening’ for People Who Have Already Been Pat-Downed by a TSA Agent in a Past Life**

TSA Gold+ Announces ‘Priority Screening’ for People Who Have Already Been Pat-Downed by a TSA Agent in a Past Life

YTA if you think this isn’t brilliant.

WASHINGTON, DC – TSA has unveiled its groundbreaking TSA Gold+ program, a premium-tier screening service for frequent flyers who have demonstrated a “deep, spiritual connection” to airport security. For just $99.99 a year, travelers can bypass the standard pat-down and instead undergo a “vibes-based” screening, wherein a TSA agent glares at you from across the terminal and determines if you look like you’d hide a blasting cap in your carry-on.

TL;DR: Pay to get pre-judged. 💀

“We’re leveraging the ancient art of ‘looking suspicious’ combined with cutting-edge technology—like a Ouija board for firearms,” said TSA spokesperson Karen Malarkey. “Our agents will now ask you one question: ‘Do you consent to a colonoscopy of your soul?’ If you hesitate, you’re flagged.”

Initial reports show 87% of Gold+ users are just people who want to flash a gold card at their boss, 12% are travel influencers who’ll use this as content, and 1% are actual terrorists who are really, really good at vibes.

AITA for saying this is just a $100 donation to TSA’s “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Universal Background Check” fund? I’ll die on this hill (preferably at the gate, while being patted down by a sentient vape detector).

🔥 Post sponsored by: “Not a TSA Agent, But I Play One in Your Nightmares” ™