**TSA Gold+™: Because Nothing Says ‘Efficiency’ Like a 4-Hour Wait to Be Treated Like a VIP**

TSA Gold+™: Because Nothing Says ‘Efficiency’ Like a 4-Hour Wait To Be Treated Like a VIP

AITA for laughing in the face of the TSA’s new “Gold+™” screening program? Basically, the feds just dropped $40 billion on a scheme where you can skip the line—if you also agree to a full-body pat-down by a moody border collie, a rectal wanding, and a soul scan to prove you “won’t cause a scene.”

TL;DR: TSA saw the 1% paying for Clear and was like, “Hold my Gatorade.” Now, for the low, low price of $699/year (plus a mandatory DNA sample and a blood oath to never bring a water bottle), you get to wait in a slightly shorter line that ends in the same cavity search as the poors. The kicker? The “Gold+” line is actually just a repurposed smoking lounge where a guy named Gary will aggressively ask if you packed your own bag while microwaving your snacks.

Oh, and they rolled it out at LaGuardia, so you’re still stuck in a terminal that smells like regret and wet pretzels.

BREAKING EXCLUSIVE: Sources confirm the “+” stands for “Plus, we’ll confiscate your dignity for free.”