**TSA Gold+™: Finally, a Way to Pay for the "Privilege" of Getting Groped by a Middle Manager**

TSA Gold+™: Finally, a Way to Pay for the “Privilege” of Getting Groped by a Middle Manager

Alright, so the TSA—the same folks who can’t find a loaded gun in a carry-on but will absolutely ruin your day over a 3oz tube of toothpaste—just announced TSA Gold+™. Because nothing says “security theater” like a premium tier for the hellscape that is airport travel.

Here’s the TL;DR: For the low, low price of $899/year, you can now skip the line where you take off your shoes while a TSA agent sighs at you, and instead, stand in a shorter line where you take off your shoes while a different TSA agent sighs at you. Oh, and you get a “golden” bin for your laptop, because nothing says “I’m better than you” like putting your Dell Inspiron in the luxury lane.

The real kicker? They’re adding a “dedicated groper.” That’s right. Instead of the lottery of “random pat-down by a guy who smells like burnt coffee and regret,” you pay a monthly subscription for a consistent pat-down by a guy who smells like burnt coffee and… slightly fresher regret.

AITA for thinking this is just a cash grab to make the “TSA PreCheck” people feel poor? I mean, PreCheck was already the “I paid to not take off my shoes” club. Now they want you to pay for the permission to be treated like a human? What’s next? TSA Platinum+ where they wipe your ass after the grope?

Anyway, enjoy your “exclusive” screening. You’ll still miss your flight because your connecting gate is in a different time zone. ✈️🔥