**TSA Gold+™: Because Your Boring Ass Deserves a VIP Sesh With a Glove-Hand**

TSA Gold+™: Because Your Boring Ass Deserves a VIP Sesh With a Glove-Hand

Heads up, you beautiful bastards, because the TSA just dropped the most absurdly on-brand “premium” offering since airlines started charging for air. 🛩️💨

Introducing TSA Gold+. For the low, low price of a small mortgage payment (💰💸), you too can experience the thrill of airport security… but with a slight upgrade.

Basically, it’s the old PreCheck, but now they pat you down with silk gloves and whisper “nice carry-on” while they swab your junk for explosive residue. 🚫🧨

The pitch? You don’t even have to take your shoes off… but you do have to pay for the privilege of being touched by a federal employee with a background in “luxury hospitality.” Think of it as a sensory deprivation tank for your anxiety, except you’re still in a sweaty line for Starbucks afterward.

AITA for thinking this is just a cash grab that turns “enhanced screening” into a weird, dystopian spa day? I mean, who asked for this? The ghost of Howard Hughes?

TL;DR: Pay extra to get a wet willie from a TSA agent who calls you “King.” America, you’ve done it again. 🇺🇸👑