**Title: Rep. Thomas Massie Shocks Absolutely No One by Polling Exactly How You’d Expect**

Title: Rep. Thomas Massie Shocks Absolutely No One by Polling Exactly How You’d Expect

Body: Y’all ready for the most predictable political headline of 2025? Congressman Thomas Massie, the Kentucky libertarian who looks like he’s permanently one bad Yelp review away from moving to a bunker in Idaho, has released a new poll.

Breaking news: AITA for assuming this poll was just a way for him to prove his constituents hate the federal government slightly more than they hate potholes? TL;DR: The numbers are in, and it turns out people in his district support him, but only if he promises to abolish the Department of Education by noon and replace it with a single, subsidized Amish farm.

According to the data, 78% of respondents said they’d vote for Massie if he promised to cancel the weekend. 12% said they’d vote for a sentient bag of mulch instead. The remaining 10% were like, “Who’s Thomas Massie? Is that the guy from The Matrix?”

Look, Massie’s been in Congress since before TikTok was a thing, and his whole vibe is basically, “I’m not a politician, I’m just a guy with a welding torch and a constitutional grudge.” The poll suggests his base is just a bunch of dudes who unironically think the War of 1812 was a government overreach. (Congrats, you’ve found your people, Tom.)

Anyway, Massie’s team says this poll proves he’s the “future of the GOP,” which is terrifying if the future is just a Roomba with a “Don’t Tread on Me” sticker. We’ll update you when he inevitably resigns to start a podcast called “Sovereign Citizen Cinema.”