**HEADLINE: "REVOLUTIONARY NEW POLL SHOWS THOMAS MASSIE CAN SOLVE the ELECTION by JUST NOT CARING"**

HEADLINE: “REVOLUTIONARY NEW POLL SHOWS THOMAS MASSIE CAN SOLVE THE ELECTION BY JUST NOT CARING”

DATELINE: WASHINGTON D.C. — In what pollsters are calling the most “chaotically accurate” survey of the year, a new poll has declared that Congressman Thomas Massie has a 100% approval rating—from people who have absolutely no idea who he is.

The irony, however, is deliciously thick. The poll, conducted by a group of Gen Z meme lords operating under the name “The Green Screen Institute,” asked 5,000 Americans: “Which politician would you trust to fix your tractor?” Massie won by a landslide. Meanwhile, when asked about his stance on the budget deal, 94% of respondents simply wrote “I thought he was a YouTuber who fixed things with duct tape.”

“This is peak for Massie,” explained Dr. Helena Meme, a Cultural Irony Professor at the University of the Internet. “The man is simultaneously the most powerful and least powerful figure in Congress. He can stop a bill with a single ‘no’ from his basement, but nobody knows his name. It’s like a cryptid that votes.”

The poll has since been weaponized by both sides: Libertarians are using it to claim Massie is the “only honest man in D.C.”, while mainstream pundits are panicking that the electorate might actually be fine with a politician who does nothing but say “no” and build stuff in his barn.

“If this trend continues,” said one strategist, “we may have to concede that the American people just want a congressman who is willing to be the human equivalent of a capslock ‘DISAGREE’ button—and also can weld.”

UPDATE: When reached for comment, Massie reportedly just shrugged and said, “The system