**Headline:** *Supreme Court’s New Dress Code: Justices Must Read Opinions While Riding Unicycles or Resign*

Headline: Supreme Court’s New Dress Code: Justices Must Read Opinions While Riding Unicycles or Resign

WASHINGTON D.C. — In a move that has absolutely nobody but Twitter legal scholars confused, the Supreme Court has quietly amended its rules to require all Justices to deliver their majority opinions while balancing on a unicycle and juggling three separate concurrences. Chief Justice John Roberts confirmed the change, stating, “We felt it was time to make the law accessible—and physically hilarious. If you can’t hand down a decision on the First Amendment while pedaling backwards, you simply don’t understand the chaos of modern jurisprudence.”

The decision—delivered by Justice Kagan, who managed a flawless 4-minute unicycle ride while citing Marbury v. Madison—has sparked a new wave of “Certiorari Chaos” on TikTok, where legal experts are now debating whether the Court has an implied power to mandate juggling under the Necessary and Proper Clause. Critics argue the move is a circus, but defenders say it’s the first time young people have paid attention to the judiciary since Dobbs.

In a dissenting opinion (delivered while walking, not riding), Justice Thomas wrote simply: “This is a low point. The Constitution does not say ‘bike.’” He has since been placed on administrative leave pending a “balance evaluation.”

Verdict: The Court is now a vibe. The docket remains unclear. The unicycles are not.