**BREAKING: Supreme Court Announces All Future Rulings Will Be Decided by Rock, Paper, Scissors**

BREAKING: Supreme Court Announces All Future Rulings Will Be Decided by Rock, Paper, Scissors

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark move that legal scholars are calling “both profoundly democratic and deeply unserious,” the Supreme Court announced today that all future rulings will be decided via a best-of-three tournament of Rock, Paper, Scissors. The decision, which passed 5-4 in the Dobbs v. Thumb-Wrestling precedent, was reportedly reached after a tense 45-minute tiebreaker between Justice Kavanaugh (Paper) and Justice Sotomayor (Scissors).

“We’ve realized that textual originalism is just slow, expensive charades,” wrote Chief Justice Roberts in the majority opinion, penned on a napkin. “This eliminates the need for silly things like ‘arguments’ and ‘facts.’ Plus, the gavel makes a great sound when you slam it after a win.”

The move has already led to a flurry of litigation from lobbyists, with the NRA filing an emergency appeal demanding that justices be required to “show hands” before each throw. Meanwhile, a dissenting Justice Thomas issued a 73-page rant arguing that Rock, Paper, Scissors actually violates the Second Amendment because Scissors is a weapon.

In response, the White House released a statement saying the President is “reviewing the legality of whether the term ‘Shoot’ in ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors, Shoot’ constitutes an executive order.”