**BREAKING: SCOTUS Drops Absolute Banger of a Ruling, Declares You're Probably the AITA**

BREAKING: SCOTUS Drops Absolute Banger of a Ruling, Declares You’re Probably the AITA

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has absolutely nobody who’s been paying attention surprised, the Supreme Court just dropped its hottest take of the century: a 6-3 decision that essentially tells the lower courts to “touch grass” and stop trying to figure out the “vibes” of the law.

Chief Justice John Roberts, writing for the majority in Dudebro v. The Concept of Consequences, ruled that the Constitution is apparently just a “suggestion box” and that precedent is for “people who still use YikYak.”

The TL;DR? The court decided that if a law is old enough to vote, it’s probably fine. Oh, and corporations? They’re totally people, but like, the really annoying kind who don’t tip.

Reddit was, predictably, on fire. Threads in r/law were flooded with “Am I the asshole for wanting a functional government?” responses (Spoiler: Yes, according to Justice Alito’s concurrence, which was just a screencap of a 4chan post). Meanwhile, the dissenting liberal justices dropped a scorching 47-page rant they titled “U Up? No, We’re Napping Through This Bullshit.”

“Oh, this is fine,” said Elena Kagan, sipping what appeared to be pure anxiety from a “World’s Okayest Judge” mug. “Everything is fine.”

Experts say this ruling will have far-reaching consequences, primarily confirming that the legal system is just a really slow, expensive version of an Echo Chamber argument. Critics are calling it the “Main Character Syndrome” decision.

Reactions are pouring in, with one person writing, “I for one welcome our new Robe-Clad Overlords. Anything to get me out of jury duty.”

*This story has been