**BREAKING: Supreme Court Rules That "Coffee Cup Sleeves" Are Now Constitutional—Angry Senators Demand Recount**

BREAKING: Supreme Court Rules That “Coffee Cup Sleeves” Are Now Constitutional—Angry Senators Demand Recount

In a landmark decision that has sent shockwaves through the nation’s coffee shops and law schools alike, the Supreme Court today ruled 6-3 that cardboard coffee cup sleeves are “essential to the preservation of both dignity and the 8th Amendment’s cruel-and-unusual-punishment clause.” Chief Justice Roberts, writing for the majority, noted that “a man should not have to choose between third-degree burns and sipping his morning latte.”

The decision, Brewster v. Starbucks, originated when a plaintiff sued after being handed a hot cup of joe with nothing but a bare, searing cardboard cylinder. The court sided with him, declaring that “the un-sleeved cup is a tool of pure, unadulterated chaos—a reminder that we live in a society with no governing principle but pain.”

Naturally, the political divide has deepened. Conservative justices dissented, arguing that “coffee is a state’s right” and that “a true patriot drinks it black, burns be damned.” Social media exploded with hot takes: “First they came for our straws, now they’re coming for our third-degree burns,” one user lamented.

Meanwhile, the memes—oh, the memes. The phrase “SleeveGate” is now trending, with users Photoshopping justice robes onto frappuccino cups and captioning them, “I have no sleeves. I must scream.” One viral image shows the Supreme Court building itself wearing a giant cardboard sleeve, with the caption: “Justice is blind, but she is also not on fire.”

In a statement, the National Coffee Association warned that this ruling could cause “prices to rise—not just for sleeves, but for the sheer audacity of serving hot liquid without bureaucratic approval.” They are now lobbying for an amendment that would require all beverages