**Breaking: Supreme Court Strikes Down Federal Ban on Animal Personality Tests – “Pets Have a Right to Self-Expression,” Says Chief Justice**

Breaking: Supreme Court Strikes Down Federal Ban on Animal Personality Tests – “Pets Have a Right to Self-Expression,” Says Chief Justice

In a landmark 6-3 decision that has both pet lovers and legal scholars howling, the Supreme Court has ruled that the government cannot bar employers from administering personality tests to animals, declaring that “pets are not property—they are partners in the workforce.”

The ruling comes after a Golden Retriever named Bentley, forced to sit through a standard “human” Myers-Briggs test at a doggy daycare, barked “INTJ-paw” three times before walking out. The case, Bentley v. The Treat Jar, argued that banning feline and canine personality assessments violates the First Amendment rights of businesses to “discover the inner truth of a being.”

“We have been chained to the idea that only humans have personality,” wrote Justice Gorsuch in the majority opinion. “But who are we to deny a Pomeranian its right to be labeled a ‘Type A’ alpha? The Constitution doesn’t wag its tail—it demands justice for all, including the four-legged.”

Critics warn the ruling could lead to mandatory horoscopes for hamsters and ethical dilemmas for goldfish. Meanwhile, pet owners are scrambling to enroll their cats in leadership workshops. As one elated pug owner put it: “My dog always knew he was a ‘Born Leader.’ Now the Supreme Court agrees.”