**HEADLINE: GOD of DECADENCE? STEVEN TYLER'S 'FINAL VICE' PUSHES AMERICA OVER the EDGE**

HEADLINE: GOD OF DECADENCE? STEVEN TYLER’S ‘FINAL VICE’ PUSHES AMERICA OVER THE EDGE

**NEW YORK, NY — In what moral critics are calling the “final curtain call of American dignity,” Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler has reportedly signed a deal to launch a line of “Full Circle” ash-trays and “Legacy Blood” wine, a controversial new brand of fermented grape juice sourced from vineyards cultivated directly over the ruins of historic churches in New Hampshire.

“It’s not just about rock and roll anymore,” says Dr. Helene Corsair, a prominent moral critic. “This is the commodification of degradation. We are now selling the literal ashes of our cultural heritage. Tyler isn’t just a singer; he’s a symbol of a society that has exchanged its soul for a selfie. To venerate a man who has danced on the edge of personal destruction for decades as a ‘father figure’ of American culture is to tell our children that the only path to immortality is through reckless abandon and the exploitation of our own graveyards.”

The new line, which features a limited edition “Train Kept A-Rollin’” decanter shaped like a hypodermic needle, has already sold out in pre-orders, leading critics to decry the “glorification of toxic celebrity.” As one horrified parent put it at the launch party, “We used to look up to heroes. Now we are taught to worship the wreckage.”