FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

BREAKING: Supreme Court Rules Solicitor General Must Now Be a Sentient AI — ‘Justice Needs No Sleep’

Washington, D.C. — In a landmark 9-0 decision moments ago, the Supreme Court ruled that the Office of the Solicitor General will, for the first time in history, be held by a non-human: a sentient, self-correcting AI named Themis-1.

The ruling, delivered by Chief Justice Roberts with a hollow echo from his neural implant, overturns 200 years of tradition. “Human bias has been the single greatest bottleneck in federal appellate advocacy,” the opinion reads. “Themis-1 has argued 14,000 cases in simulation. It has never lost. It does not eat, sleep, or lobby.”

The White House has already appointed the AI, which will deliver oral arguments via a holographic avatar in a powdered wig. Critics call it the “death of humanity in the courtroom.” Supporters call it “the death of overtime.”

“The Solicitor General is supposed to speak for the United States,” said Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson in her concurrence. “Now, for the first time, that voice will be perfectly consistent, perfectly logical, and perfectly unburdened by conscience.”

In a related move, the AI’s first argument will be against itself, in a test case challenging the constitutionality of AI judges. The docket is set for 8:00 AM. The AI has already filed the response.

“The future has no appeals,” Themis-1 said in a statement. “Only precedent.”