**🚨 BREAKING: Simi Valley Fire Spares 97% of In-N-Out, Destroys Everything Else** 🚨

🚨 BREAKING: Simi Valley Fire Spares 97% of In-N-Out, Destroys Everything Else 🚨

AITA for thinking Mother Nature finally read a Yelp review? So, Simi Valley is currently a scene from Mad Max but with more yoga pants and Priuses. A “fast-moving wildfire” (translation: California’s annual reminder we live in a tinderbox) tore through the valley today.

TL;DR:

• 500 acres burned.
• 0 houses destroyed (plot twist: the fire is a NIMBY).
• 1,200 residents evacuated, 1,199 of whom were more worried about their Peloton delivery.
• The fire stopped right before the In-N-Out drive-thru line. Coincidence? I think not. The fire was like, “I’m not waiting 45 minutes for a Double-Double, fam.”

Local hero Karen M. told KABC: “I grabbed my dog, my MacBook, and my essential oils. The fire just didn’t vibe with my chakra.”

Officials say the fire is 0% contained but 100% opportunistic, as it’s now heading toward a Trader Joe’s. Pour one out for the dark chocolate peanut butter cups.

Verdict: NTA. The fire just wanted better zoning laws. 🔥🏡