**SIMI VALLEY FIRE: AITA for Hoping My Crypto Portfolio Doesn't Get Roasted Before I Can Short-Sell the Ashes?**

SIMI VALLEY FIRE: AITA for hoping my crypto portfolio doesn’t get roasted before I can short-sell the ashes?

TL;DR: LA’s latest “unprecedented” wind event turned a forgotten Tupperware container into a 4-alarm wildfire, and instead of evacuating, I’m watching my neighbors treat their driveways like the set of Fyre Fest 2.

So, Simi Valley is on fire again. Because of course it is. It’s like God looked at California’s insurance crisis and said, “Hold my collagen water.” But this time, allegedly, the blaze was started by a stray reheat-a-taco situation. Yes, a f*ing microwave. A local boomer’s 1988 microwave, which was ironically labelled “CleanFire™️,” apparently combusted after running for 30 seconds to heat a Gluten-Free Impossible Bratwurst. AITA for thinking this is the most on-brand 2024 disaster yet?

Anyway, I’m sitting on my roof with a 10-year-old bottle of Fiji water and a phone that’s at 3% battery. My neighbor just asked me to “bless the flames” on his GoFundMe for a sick drone shot of the evacuation traffic. Meanwhile, the fire department is trying to hose down a Spirit Halloween store that’s already been converted into a “Fire Recovery Supply Outpost.”

UPDATE: Air quality is now 50% my neighbor Bill’s “good vibes” b.s. AITA if I refuse to evacuate because I need to see which influencer gets canceled for staging a thirst trap in front of a burning hedge? Also, someone please short-sell my HOA dues. I’m not paying for this.