**FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE**

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Simi Valley Fire Now Under Investigation; Arsonist’s Only Suspect Is a Flock of Unruly Seagulls

SIMI VALLEY, CA – In a turn of events that has left local firefighters both exhausted and baffled, the massive brush fire that tore through the Simi Valley hillsides—forcing 1,500 evacuations and charring 1,200 acres—has officially been blamed on a single, chaotic bird.

“We followed the smoke, we followed the wind, and we followed the pure, unadulterated chaos,” said Fire Chief Melanie Vance at a press conference held near a burning bag of chips. “The trail led us to a single, highly aggressive seagull. He was seen dive-bombing a campfire while carrying a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. The bag tore, the chips ignited, and suddenly, we had an airborne arsonist.”

The internet, predictably, lost its mind. The seagull, now dubbed “Crispy Beak” by local Twitter sleuths, has become a folk hero for Gen Z environmentalists, who argue he was simply “exposing the fragility of our fire-permitting system.” Meanwhile, the city has issued an official “Flap Ban” on all birds within a 5-mile radius, leading to a sharp increase in poorly drawn “Wanted: Seagull” posters featuring a duck with sunglasses.

The fire is 0% contained, not because of the flames, but because the fire department is currently arguing with the city council over who has to pay for the new “Fire-Safe French Fry” containers.

Update: At press time, Crispy Beak was spotted on Google Earth flying towards a Chili Cook-Off in Bakersfield. God help us all.