**BREAKING: San Diego Shooter Was Allegedly “Frustrated” Over Burrito Wait Time, Police Say**

BREAKING: San Diego Shooter Was Allegedly “Frustrated” Over Burrito Wait Time, Police Say

SAN DIEGO, CA — In yet another mind-numbing chapter of the American tragedy playbook, a 27-year-old man has been taken into custody after allegedly opening fire on a crowded Chipotle parking lot yesterday afternoon. The suspect, identified as Chad “Low-Grade Rage” Thompson, reportedly told police he was “just really, really tired of being told the guac is extra.”

Witnesses say Thompson, armed with a legally-purchased AR-platform rifle, began firing into the air before turning his weapon on a nearby Tesla, which he claimed “looked at him wrong.” No injuries were reported, save for the vehicle’s shattered rear window and several bystanders’ last shreds of hope for humanity.

When asked for a statement, the suspect’s mother told local news, “He’s a good boy. He just had a bad burrito.” Reddit, of course, is already in shambles, with r/iamatotalpieceofshit and r/California having a fierce slapfight over whether this is a cautionary tale about the cost of avocado or a clear sign we need more mental health resources. (Spoiler: It’s both. And neither. And we’re all doomed.)

TL;DR: Man shoots up parking lot because Chipotle was out of barbacoa. Nobody surprised. America, please log off.