**FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE**

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

BREAKING: The Cheddar Bay Vortex – Red Lobster’s Tallahassee Closure Defies Physics

TALLAHASSEE, FL – The sudden closure of the Red Lobster on Apalachee Parkway has local authorities baffled and conspiracy theorists buzzing, as investigators have uncovered what they are calling a “glitch in the matrix” involving the restaurant’s signature Cheddar Bay Biscuits.

According to city records obtained by The Tallahassee Sun, the restaurant shuttered at 9:47 PM on Tuesday. Yet, energy grid data shows the kitchen’s industrial ovens remained at a steady 375°F for exactly six hours after the power was officially cut. Thermal imaging from a passing NOAA satellite captured a distinct, heat-shaped “lobster claw” anomaly hovering over the parking lot at 3:15 AM Wednesday.

“We’re looking at a temporal displacement event,” said Dr. Elena Vance, a physicist from FSU’s College of Engineering. “The biscuits kept baking. That’s impossible. Unless the restaurant’s timeline is running on a different clock than the rest of the block.”

But the weirdness doesn’t stop there. RFID tracking from the restaurant’s back-of-house seafood inventory shows that exactly 74 live lobsters—spread across three separate tanks—have “ceased to exist” on digital logs, yet their combined water weight remained unchanged. Locals are reporting that the dumpster behind the building smells not of spoiled fish, but of fresh saltwater and buttered popcorn.

“I walked by at 4 AM to get my paper,” said Harold Finch, a neighbor. “I swear I heard a faint jingle, like an ice cream truck, but it was playing ‘Under the Sea.’ Weirdest part? There were no tire tracks.”

The Red Lobster corporate office has issued a single, cryptic statement: “The Biscuit is never truly baked. We are investigating a