**HEADLINE: Red Lobster Abandons Florida’s Capital, Leaving Locals to Question Their Life Choices – And the Cheddar Bay Biscuits**

HEADLINE: Red Lobster Abandons Florida’s Capital, Leaving Locals to Question Their Life Choices – And the Cheddar Bay Biscuits

TALLAHASSEE, FL – In a move that has sent shockwaves through the state’s political and culinary landscapes, the Red Lobster on Apalachee Parkway has officially shuttered its doors, leaving a gaping, butter-soaked hole in the hearts of Florida’s lawmakers and college students alike.

While corporate blames “economic headwinds” and an “over-saturation of the seafood market,” local meme historians have identified the real culprit: The restaurant became ground zero for a bizarre time-loop paradox. It turns out, the sheer volume of “Endless Shrimp” consumed by hungover FSU students and budget-conscious lobbyists created a temporary tear in the space-time continuum, causing the restaurant’s profits to evaporate faster than the butter on a hot biscuit.

Social media erupted not with sadness, but with a specific brand of ironic despair. “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed,” wrote user @FSU_Senior_4Lyfe. “We lost the only place in town where you could watch a politician argue about water quality while eating a fried clam strip shaped like Florida. Where is the accountability? Where are the biscuits?”

The closure has sparked a new, unofficial campaign: “Save Our Biscuits, Save Our Souls.” Locals are now calling on the city to convert the empty building into a memorial museum, featuring exhibits on “The Art of the Bloated Lobster” and a looping audio recording of the sound of a Cheddar Bay Biscuit being torn in half.

In a final, tragic twist, a spokesperson for the landlord confirmed that the building’s “seafood scent” is now expected to linger for another 15 to 20 years, a ghostly reminder of a simpler time when the biggest controversy in