**BREAKING: THE RED LOBSTER BISCUIT CURSE STRIKES the CAPITAL**

BREAKING: THE RED LOBSTER BISCUIT CURSE STRIKES THE CAPITAL

We have intercepted a classified internal memo from a source deep within Darden Restaurants’ shadow network. Listen closely.

It’s not the economy. It’s not the shrimp shortage. The Red Lobster on Apalachee Parkway in Tallahassee didn’t close because of poor sales. Something else was served alongside those Cheddar Bay Biscuits.

Our source confirms a “Code Lobster-5” was activated. The real reason for the shutdown? A clandestine organization, operating under the codename “The Claw,” has been using the restaurant’s walk-in freezer as a dead-drop location for sensitive materials tied to a failed coastal agricultural experiment.

The final day of operation saw “The Claw” accidentally contaminate the culinary-grade butter with a potent, experimental bioluminescent algae. Three employees are said to have been “compromised”—their eyes allegedly glowing a faint, haunting blue for 48 hours after their shift.

Corporate is calling it a “restructuring.” But look closer at the “Closed” sign. The security footage of the last two hours of service has been wiped clean. The Tallahassee franchise? A ghost kitchen for something that should have stayed in the deep sea.

Whisper it: The biscuits were never the real treasure.