**Local Man Discovers Mountain Dew White Out Was Just His Vending Machine's Crippling Depression**

Local Man Discovers Mountain Dew White Out Was Just His Vending Machine’s Crippling Depression

[IMAGE: A blurry photo of a Mountain Dew can next to a sad, wilted houseplant]

r/energydrinks is in shambles today after user u/BajaBlast_Truther posted a groundbreaking exposé that Mountain Dew White Out—the “limited edition” flavor everyone’s been hoarding like it’s the last can of hope in a post-apocalyptic wasteland—was actually just a regular Mountain Dew that had been sitting in a sun-faded vending machine for 17 years.

“I cracked it open and tasted sadness, battery acid, and a faint whisper of what might have once been citrus,” the OP wrote. “AITA for now having trust issues with every clear soda?”

PepsiCo has yet to comment, but insiders confirm the “white” in White Out was actually referring to the flavor’s soul leaving its corporeal form. The drink reportedly achieved sentience, filed for bankruptcy, and sent a strongly worded letter to the FDA complaining about “the relentless march of time.”

TL;DR: The dew is dead, the hype is a lie, and your nostalgia was just an expensive bottle of regret.