**🚨 BREAKING: MOUNTAIN DEW WHITE OUT DECLARED a CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE in 12 STATES AFTER MASS HYPNOSIS STUDY**

🚨 BREAKING: MOUNTAIN DEW WHITE OUT DECLARED A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE IN 12 STATES AFTER MASS HYPNOSIS STUDY

GREENVILLE, SC — In a plot twist no one saw coming, Mountain Dew White Out has been temporarily pulled from shelves in a dozen U.S. states after a leaked FDA whistleblower report reveals the discontinued citrus beverage contains a rare, naturally-occurring psychoactive compound derived from arctic algae. Dubbed “Eskimo-8,” the compound was found to trigger acute, temporary “digital nostalgia seizures” — forcing drinkers to relive their most intense 2016 Xbox Live arguments in vivid, 4K hallucination.

The chaos began when a TikTok user known only as “Nostalgia_Dad_420” livestreamed himself chugging a vintage 2012 can he’d preserved in a time capsule. Within minutes, he began sobbing uncontrollably, yelling “ELIMINATED” in the voice of a 13-year-old, and attempting to perform a “No Scope 360” off his kitchen counter. The video has since amassed 47 million views under the hashtag #WhiteOutBlackout.

The craze has spawned a black market for unopened cans, with single bottles now trading for $1,200 on the dark web. In a bizarre turn, the U.S. Department of Energy has expressed interest in synthesizing Eskimo-8 for use in “memory-recall therapy” for Alzheimer’s patients. Meanwhile, PepsiCo has released a cryptic statement: “We are aware of the allegations. White Out was always… special.”

Cult leader Pastor Mike “The Dew” Reynolds of the Church of the Silver Can claims the event was prophesied in a 2007 Mountain Dew commercial. “The