**Headline:** **BREAKING: Thomas Massie Declares Himself a ‘Free Range Politician’ — Constituents Unsure if That’s a Lifestyle Choice or a Call for Help**

Headline: BREAKING: Thomas Massie Declares Himself a ‘Free Range Politician’ — Constituents Unsure If That’s a Lifestyle Choice or a Call for Help

BURLINGTON, KY — What began as a routine Kentucky primary has somehow turned into the most aggressively libertarian G.O.P. civil war since someone tried to tax a lemonade stand. Congressman Thomas Massie, known for his collection of bow ties and his ability to make Nancy Pelosi visibly sigh, is currently trending after a campaign event where he reportedly told a voter, “I’m not beholden to anyone—not even my own attention span.”

The irony? The phrase “Massie Primary” has become a national punchline because the only thing harder to predict than Massie’s vote is his exit strategy. In a viral clip, Massie can be seen arguing with a local about the government’s right to regulate shirtless lawn mowing, then immediately pivoting to a 20-minute monologue about why the federal budget should be printed on wrapping paper.

“I don’t know if I’m voting for a congressman or the world’s first procedural anarchist,” local voter Karen S. told reporters. “He showed up to the debate in a tractor, cited the 10th Amendment four times, and spent the final 10 minutes trying to pass a motion to adjourn the debate early.”

Political analysts note the true irony is that Massie’s primary challenge is against a candidate who promises to be “more cooperative” — a term Massie reportedly considers a violation of the Geneva Convention.

Final Score: Massie: 51% | Cooperation: 49% | America’s Attention Span: 0%.

Sponsored by: The USDA’s “Lawn Mowing Without a Shirt” Task Force. 🚜💥