**BREAKING: U.S. Rep. Thomas Massie’s Wife Files for Sole Custody of Their Last Remaining Brain Cell**

BREAKING: U.S. Rep. Thomas Massie’s Wife Files for Sole Custody of Their Last Remaining Brain Cell

In what pundits are calling “the most relatable political drama of the decade,” a judge has been forced to decide who is the least disappointing adult in the Rep. Thomas Massie household after his wife reportedly filed for sole custody of their last remaining functional brain cell.

Sources confirm the cell, codenamed “Cynical Unit 47,” is the sole reason Massie still remembers to breathe while giving floor speeches about the Federal Reserve. “It’s been carrying the entire family’s intellectual load since 2016,” said a staffer who wishes to remain anonymous but is definitely the one who wrote the “no fun allowed” memo.

TL;DR: Even the Massie household’s one remaining neuron is filing for divorce.

When reached for comment, the brain cell replied via carrier pigeon, “Honestly, AITA for wanting to live somewhere that still believes in climate change? Because I’m about 12 vacation days away from self-destructing into a puddle of libertarian ideology.”