**FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE**

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

NEWS SNIPPET: “Mark Cuban Declares War on ‘Dehydrated Avocado Toast’—Invests $900 Million in Flavorless, Meal-Prepped ‘Cuban Pods’”

DALLAS, TX – In a move that has sent shockwaves through both the venture capital and millennial brunch communities, billionaire Shark Tank investor Mark Cuban has announced his latest and most controversial venture: CubanPod™. The product? A nutrient-dense, beige, flavorless puck designed to replace the millennial diet of avocado toast, cold brew, and artisanal sourdough.

“I looked at the economics,” Cuban said in a press release, holding up a gray, brick-like pod. “Avocados are volatile. Bread is a carb liability. Young people are spending 18 dollars on a single slice of toast just for a photo. It’s stupid. My pod has 47 vitamins, zero taste, and a 10-year shelf life. You’re welcome.”

The internet, predictably, has imploded.

“He’s gaslighting us into eating sawdust,” tweeted @BrunchKing420. “This is the final boss of late-stage capitalism. He saw us trying to enjoy a slice of life and said, ‘Optimize it.’”

The irony, historians note, is that Cuban—known for his sharp, sarcastic dismantling of entrepreneurs on Shark Tank—has become the very boss he used to mock. Users are comparing the CubanPod to the cursed “Soylent” of the 2010s, but with a distinctly dystopian twist: the pods are sold exclusively in bulk via a Tesla Cybertruck subscription service.

“He’s the ultimate meme,” said Dr. Lena Quote, professor of Digital Anthropology at MIT. “He went from telling people their business ideas were too expensive to literally