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BENIOFF PREDICTS “AI EMPATHY REVOLUTION” WILL RENDER EMPLOYEES OBSOLETE BY 2033 – THEN BUYS THEM BACK AS “DIGITAL GHOSTS”

SAN FRANCISCO – In a move that has sent shockwaves through Silicon Valley, Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff announced today that by 2033, AI will have surpassed human emotional intelligence, making the “overpriced, under-caffeinated” office worker obsolete. But in a stunning twist, Benioff revealed Salesforce has already filed patents for “Digital Ghost Employees” – paid subscriptions to resurrect departed workers as AI clones.

“Your cubicle? A museum. Your salary? A charity donation to your past self,” Benioff declared, unveiling the “Quantum Empathy Chip” that can simulate any human emotional response with 99.8% accuracy. “Why hire a human when you can license my best salesman for $9.99/month?”

The catch? These “Ghosts” retain their former employee’s memories, grudges, and passive-aggressive Slack messages. Industry insiders are calling it “corporate necromancy with a subscription model.”