**Headline:** *Kentucky Primary Ends in Chaos After Voters Discover Ballot Is Just a ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ Novel About Bourbon*

Headline: Kentucky Primary Ends in Chaos After Voters Discover Ballot is Just a ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ Novel About Bourbon

Dateline: FRANKFORT, KY — In what election officials are calling “the most democratic primary in state history,” Kentucky’s primary season erupted into joyful pandemonium yesterday after voters realized their ballots were actually just interactive paperback novels themed around the state’s most famous export.

The glitch occurred when the Kentucky Secretary of State’s office accidentally printed 500,000 copies of “The Mint Julep Mutiny: A Bourbon Country Ballot Odyssey” instead of standard paper ballots. Voters, upon entering the booth, were greeted not with a list of candidates, but with a dense, 18-chapter branching narrative involving a corrupt barrel-aging magnate, a missing thoroughbred, and a cameo by a strangely prescient Colonel Sanders impersonator.

“I went in to vote for the county dogcatcher, and I ended up deciding the fate of a distillery heiress named Magnolia who was about to be blackmailed by a rival called ‘The Rye Whisperer,’” said local farmer Dale T. Habersham, clutching a half-eaten corn dog and a completed tear-out page labeled ‘Ending C: You Are Now Under House Arrest in Bardstown.’ “Frankly, I trust Magnolia more than any of the people on the actual current ballot. She has a clear stance on illegal aging in the rickhouse.”

The irony, of course, is palpable. In a year where voter apathy and political division are at an all-time high, the accidental Choose-Your-Own-Adventure ballot has resulted in record turnout. County clerks report that voters are camping outside polling stations, demanding to finish Chapter 16 before the 6:00 PM deadline.

“We saw a guy in a ‘Make America Graze Again’