**BREAKING: KENTUCKY VOTERS SOMEHOW SHOCKED to DISCOVER POLITICS ISN’T a HORSE RACE (BUT THEY BET on IT ANYWAY)**

BREAKING: KENTUCKY VOTERS SOMEHOW SHOCKED TO DISCOVER POLITICS ISN’T A HORSE RACE (BUT THEY BET ON IT ANYWAY)

LOUISVILLE, KY — In a stunning display of democratic participation that absolutely nobody asked for, Kentucky held its primary election yesterday, and the results are in: a politician won.

After months of debate, millions in dark money, and at least three attack ads featuring a grainy photo of a man frowning at a possum, voters trudged to the polls to select the candidate they hate the least. Early exit polls indicate that 73% of voters chose based on which candidate’s name they could spell correctly after their third bourbon.

“I don’t know what a primary is, but my cousin’s neighbor said one guy wants to ban gas stoves and the other one wrestled a bear in 1998, so I’m voting bear guy,” said local voter and self-described “Common Sense Patriot,” Kyle T.

The winner, a career politician with the charisma of damp cardboard, gave a victory speech that somehow managed to blame COVID, trans kids, and the price of feed corn all in one breath. Meanwhile, the loser immediately filed a lawsuit claiming the election was rigged because their opponent’s yard signs were 2 inches taller than regulation.

TL;DR: Kentucky reminded us that democracy is just high school for adults, and nobody passes. AITA for already googling “how to move to Canada”?