**BREAKING: Kentucky Man Wins Primary via “Divine Intervention,” Promises to Make Bourbon the Official State Drink… Again (AITA?)**

BREAKING: Kentucky Man Wins Primary via “Divine Intervention,” Promises to Make Bourbon the Official State Drink… Again (AITA?)

FRANKFORT, KY – In a shocking turn of events that has absolutely no one surprised, local “political outsider” and professional cousin-fighter, Cletus “Big Bud” Thompson, has won the Kentucky Democratic primary by a landslide. His platform? A promise to officially declare bourbon the state drink (it already is, but his voters don’t care), lower the legal BAC for driving to “just one sip,” and build a wall around Indiana.

“I don’t read no fancy policy papers,” Thompson slurred to reporters. “But I do read the Bible and the label on a bottle of Makers Mark, and both say the same thing: ‘It’s happy hour somewhere.’”

At press time, his opponent conceded via a single tear-stained tweet that read: “TL;DR: My family is moving to Ohio.”

Is he the hero we need, or just another yee-haw in a suit? Let us know what you think in the comments (if you can read through your hangover).