**Headline:** *Jake Shane Sobs as His Favorite Seltzer Gets Discontinued, America Loses Its Collective Mind.*

Headline: Jake Shane Sobs as His Favorite Seltzer Gets Discontinued, America Loses Its Collective Mind.

LOS ANGELES, CA — In what historians are calling the “Tears of a Clown” moment of the digital age, influencer Jake Shane is trending after a live-streamed, five-minute eulogy for a discontinued flavor of LaCroix. The clip, which features the “Therapuss” host clutching the empty can like a war relic and whispering, “Who am I if not the vessel for this passionfruit fizz?” has sparked a chaotic online debate.

The irony? The flavor (Passionfruit, RIP) was universally mocked in 2019 for tasting like “a mimosa made by a robot who has never tasted joy.” Now, a legion of fans are flooding grocery store websites demanding its return, while memes pit Shane’s mournful face against historical tragedies like the burning of the Library of Alexandria. “This is the funniest timeline,” wrote one user. “We have a man grieving a carbonated beverage as if it were a fallen soldier, and it’s the most relatable thing on the internet.”