Oh Wow, Groundbreaking. a Heat Advisory in the Middle of Summer? Who Could Have Possibly Seen This Coming? I'm *Shocked*. Shocked, I Say. Next You'll Tell Me Water Is Wet and the Sky Is Blue. AITA for Thinking We Need a New Definition of "News"? Anyway, Here's Your "Viral" News, Reddit. TL;DR: It's Hot. Deal With It.
Oh wow, groundbreaking. A heat advisory in the middle of summer? Who could have possibly seen this coming? I’m shocked. Shocked, I say. Next you’ll tell me water is wet and the sky is blue. AITA for thinking we need a new definition of “news”? Anyway, here’s your “viral” news, Reddit. TL;DR: It’s hot. Deal with it.
BREAKING: HEAT ADVISORY ISSUED FOR MOST OF THE COUNTRY; LOCAL MAN’S A/C UNIT CHOOSES VIOLENCE
By a reporter who is definitely not melting into their chair right now
May 12, 2024 — In a shocking twist that has absolutely no one surprised, the National Weather Service has issued a heat advisory for approximately 87% of the continental United States, warning of “dangerously high temperatures” that will feel like “stepping into a preheated oven but with slightly more humidity.”
Local resident Chad Thundercock, 34, was reportedly unaffected by the news, as he spent the entire morning posting on Reddit about how “it’s not really that bad” while sitting in his third-floor walkup that mysteriously has no air conditioning. “I’m just built different,” he told this reporter through a haze of sweat and desperation. “Cope and seethe, libs.”
Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the local power grid confirmed it is “giving it everything it’s got, captain,” and is currently operating at a capacity that can best be described as “a panicked chihuahua on a treadmill.” Residents are being urged to “stay hydrated,” “check on elderly neighbors,” and “accept that your car’s leather seats are now a surface-level autoclave.”
In a controversial move, the city has opened cooling centers, which are inexplicably located in the same buildings that have the worst AC in the city. One visitor described the experience as