**FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE**

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

MORAL DECAY OR CLIMATE CONSEQUENCE? ‘HEAT ADVISORY’ PROMPTS SHIRTLESS PROTESTS, SENIOR CENTERS DECLARED ‘BROTHELS OF DESPAIR’

LOCAL, USA – As the mercury soars past 105°F for the third consecutive day, what began as a simple National Weather Service “Heat Advisory” has devolved into what moral critics are calling “the final, sweaty unraveling of the social contract.”

The crisis reached a tipping point yesterday when Maplewood Senior Center, attempting to provide a cool respite, posted a photo of residents enjoying ice pops and board games. Within hours, the image was decried by local activist group “The Future Front” as a “Brothel of Despair,” accusing the facility of promoting “slothful, decadent hedonism” while the rest of the city sweats for its daily bread.

“It is no longer enough to simply be hot,” declared Dr. Alistair Thorne, a prominent moral ethicist. “We have traded our dignity for a central air conditioning unit. I saw a man in a vest—a VEST, mind you—remove it in public. The very threads of our civilization are melting. This heat does not cause immorality; it reveals it. We are a nation of weak-willed, flesh-baring animals chasing the false god of a cool breeze.”

The advisory has sparked “No-Sweat Pacts” in local parishes, where members vow not to use electric fans on Sundays. Meanwhile, reports are flooding in of “Shirtless Protests” outside city hall, where men and women, in a brazen display of what Thorne calls “thermal exhibitionism,” are demanding access to public splash pads.

City officials are divided. One councilman suggested the heat is a “trial from God to expose the virtue