**Headline: "Extreme Heat Advisory Sparks 'Satanic Panic' Sweatsuit Sales: Moral Critics Warn of 'Climate of Indolence'"**

Headline: “Extreme Heat Advisory Sparks ‘Satanic Panic’ Sweatsuit Sales: Moral Critics Warn of ‘Climate of Indolence’”

City, State – As triple-digit temperatures grip the nation, a heated debate is boiling over not the mercury, but the moral fiber of its citizens. Local moral critic and religious leader Pastor David Thornwood of the First Covenant of Righteousness has declared this week’s excessive heat advisory a “divine signal of societal decay,” blaming the crisis not on carbon emissions, but on a “widespread culture of weakness and immodesty.”

“What we are witnessing is a spiritual lethargy masked as a weather event,” Thornwood thundered from his pulpit, pointing to a recent surge in sales of “cooling towels” and portable fans. “Instead of enduring the Lord’s test of discomfort, people are seeking to ‘stay comfy’—purchasing indoor ice rinks, running their ACs at 60 degrees, and, most alarmingly, wearing virtually nothing in public. The heat advisory has become a license for moral nudity.”

The pastor’s viral sermon, titled “No Sweat, No Salvation,” has sparked a counter-movement of ‘Satanic Panic’ Sweatsuits—full-body, wool-lined garments sold as “penance wear.” “You want to cool down? Repent. The heat is a test of character, not a reason to lower our standards,” Thornwood added, urging citizens to wear heavy, high-collared clothing as a sign of moral fortitude.

Critics, however, are sweating under the scrutiny. “This is dangerous rhetoric,” said Dr. Elena Vasquez, a climate ethicist. “Linking a public health crisis to ‘sin’ will lead to heatstroke deaths. Suggesting that seeking shade or hydration is ‘moral weakness’ is a direct path to the downfall of the social contract.” Meanwhile, sales of the "