FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – GLOBAL MORAL PANIC

ECLIPSE OF REASON: “Shadow of Woke” Blamed as Solar Event Triggers Nationwide “Ethical Blackouts”

FROM THE OFFICE OF THE MORAL CRITIC

Washington, D.C. – What was supposed to be a celestial marvel has devolved into a litmus test for the soul of the nation. As the moon briefly blotted out the sun yesterday, millions reported not an awe-inspiring “totality,” but a terrifying “Totality of Moral Relativism.”

Leading ethicists and preachers of decency are sounding the alarm after a bizarre phenomenon dubbed the “Shadow of Woke” swept across the path of totality. Eyewitnesses claim that during the 4 minutes and 12 seconds of darkness, a generation of youths—previously glued to their phones—turned to one another and reportedly said, “I guess we don’t really need a higher power to tell us it’s beautiful.”

“That’s it. The dam has broken,” declared Dr. Harold P. Stern, a prominent moral critic. “We have officially achieved peak societal decay. We are now spectating natural wonders without a predetermined ethical framework. This is the eclipse of reason. This is the death of objective beauty.”

Reports are flooding in of “ethically ambiguous” behavior during the eclipse: couples ignoring their vows to gaze at the sky together, workers abandoning their cubicles for “a moment of collective awe,” and even a viral video of a man in Cleveland selling eclipse glasses for “whatever you think they are worth,” a clear violation of established market morality.

“The eclipse didn’t just block the sun,” one concerned mother told our station. “It blocked the distinction between right and wrong. My son, a straight-A student, looked at the corona and said, ‘It’s just chemical reactions.’ He used to say, ‘It’s