FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

THE GREAT GRAVITY GAMBLE: Dunkin’ to Test ‘Free Coffee for Life’ via 2034 Zero-G Delivery Drone on May 19

WOBURN, MA – Forget a free medium roast. On May 19, Dunkin’ is rewriting the rules of the morning commute with a stunt that sounds like science fiction, but is scheduled to happen at exactly 7:14 AM EST.

In a press conference held inside an actual wind tunnel, Dunkin’ CEO Nigel Bellington announced “Project Terminal Velocity”: a one-time, global offer where one single winner will receive free Dunkin’ coffee for the next ten years, but only if they can catch it—falling from a stratospheric drone.

Here’s the catch: On May 19, a specialized high-altitude drone will release a single, insulated, re-entry-proof thermos of Dark Roast from an altitude of 100,000 feet over a secret location.

“The coffee will hit terminal velocity,” Bellington said, holding up a thermos clad in what appeared to be NASA-grade tiles. “Our data, harvested from the 2022 ‘pandemic-caffeine’ surge, shows people are willing to go to extreme lengths for a morning ritual. This year, we are no longer selling coffee. We are launching it.”

The twist? The location is only revealed via the Dunkin’ App six minutes before impact. Geologists have predicted the landing zone to be a 1.5-mile radius. The winner must use the app to “lock in” their location, and the drone’s AI will adjust trajectory to attempt a “hand-off” within 10 feet of the user.

Societal Impact Forecast:

• Armchair Dramaturge Prediction: Social media will fracture into two camps. #CatchTheCup (teams