**DUNKIN' DECLARES MAY 19 a NATIONAL 'NO-TALKING' HOLIDAY, FREE COFFEE for ALL WHO OBEY**

DUNKIN’ DECLARES MAY 19 A NATIONAL ‘NO-TALKING’ HOLIDAY, FREE COFFEE FOR ALL WHO OBEY

Syracuse, NY – In a move that has baristas and introverts alike weeping with joy, Dunkin’ has announced that on May 19, it will be giving away free hot coffee to anyone who completes their order without making eye contact or saying more than three words.

The promotion, dubbed “The Silent Roast,” was accidentally leaked after a regional manager’s angry email went viral. “We’ve lost $3 million annually due to customers asking ‘What’s a medium?’ while pointing at a large,” the email read. “May 19 is our revenge.”

The rules are simple: walk in, grunt “medium black,” tap your app, and leave. Any customer who attempts to make small talk about the weather, compliment a tattoo, or ask “what’s good today?” will be charged double and forced to listen to a 90-second audio clip of the “Jingle Bells” remix played on a kazoo.

Social media is already melting down. “I’m going to order a ’large vanilla cold brew with oat milk and three Splenda’ by having a seizure on the floor,” one TikTok user wrote. “Finally, a church I can attend.”

Dunkin’ has confirmed that 50% of the coffee cups will feature a QR code linking to a live feed of a single, exhausted employee staring into the abyss.

No cup of coffee is worth a conversation. – Official Dunkin’ slogan, May 19 only.