**BOSTON** — In a Move That Has Simultaneously Delighted Caffeine Addicts and Enraged the “Free Stuff” Industrial Complex, Dunkin’ Has Announced That May 19th Is National “Please, Just Take the Coffee” Day—offering a Free Medium Hot or Iced Coffee to Any Customer Who Can Correctly Identify Which Side of the Cup Is the Top.

BOSTON — In a move that has simultaneously delighted caffeine addicts and enraged the “free stuff” industrial complex, Dunkin’ has announced that May 19th is National “Please, Just Take the Coffee” Day—offering a free medium hot or iced coffee to any customer who can correctly identify which side of the cup is the top.

“We’ve seen the backlash,” said a company spokesperson, struggling to maintain a straight face. “After years of making people watch their iced coffee slowly become a milky soup while waiting in the drive-thru, we felt it was time to give back—aggressively.”

The offer, valid for Rewards members only, has sparked a wildfire of online conspiracy theories. “They’re trying to distract us from the unhinged size and price of that ‘refreshing’ peach tea,” tweeted user @DigitalHeretic. Others pointed out the tragic irony: “You get a free coffee, but you’ll still pay $6 for a glove-thin bagel. A win is a win.”

Social media sleuths have already discovered that Dunkin’ quietly dropped the “Donut” from its name in 2019, meaning millions of people will now participate in a free coffee promotion from a company that legally cannot be associated with pastries. The existential absurdity has generated more engagement than the actual giveaway.

One local customer summed up the mood perfectly: “It’s a free coffee from a place that also charges for almond milk. I’m accepting the gift, but I’m not smiling about it.”

Dunkin’ has not commented on reports that the free coffee will be served in a cup that leaks from the lid if you look at it wrong.