**OH. MY. GOD.** the Supreme Court Just Dropped a Nuke So Spicy It Made the *Dobbs* Leak Look Like a Parking Ticket. AITA for Saying They’ve Finally Achieved Their Final Form?

OH. MY. GOD. The Supreme Court just dropped a nuke so spicy it made the Dobbs leak look like a parking ticket. AITA for saying they’ve finally achieved their final form?

TL;DR: In a shocking 5-4 decision penned by Justice Alito (who else?), the Court has ruled that the “pursuit of happiness” in the Declaration of Independence is actually a legally non-binding “aspirational emoji” and, critically, that your happiness is now legally owned by whichever billionaire owns your ZIP code.

Yeah, you read that right. The majority opinion argued (I’m not kidding) that because the Founders couldn’t have predicted “modern economic anxiety” like having to pay for both gas AND eggs, the guarantee is void.

Justice Sotomayor’s dissent was literally just a word document of a single sobbing emoji printed on 47 pages. 🔥

But wait, it gets worse. In a glorious display of “fuck you, specifically,” they ruled that the only “legitimate happiness” is shareholder value. So if you feel “joy” about anything that doesn’t involve making your landlord richer? Straight to jail.

The fallout:

• Bed Bath & Beyond stock is up 400% because investors are “happy” we’re all sad.
• Weed is decriminalized in 3 states… but only if you use the proceeds to buy stock in Philip Morris.
• A guy in Dayton, Ohio has already been sued for “unlicensed emotional optimism” because he smiled at a squirrel.

Reddit, I’m literally shaking. Is this real? Am I overreacting? Should I just sell my kidneys to the nearest PE firm for “happiness credits”?

Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger! I’ll be spending it on a single, bereavement-rated avocado. 🥑💀