**FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE**

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

BREAKING: Supreme Court Rules That All Courtrooms Must Now Have One (1) Certified Chaos Gremlin

In a 6-3 decision hailed as “the most chaotic energy since the invention of the jester,” the Supreme Court has mandated that every federal courtroom must now employ a designated “Certified Chaos Gremlin.” The ruling, officially titled Doe v. The Vibe, argues that the judiciary has become “chronically sterile” and needs “at least one person who will scream ‘Objection!’ every time the judge sneezes” to maintain the public’s attention.

The Gremlin, a role previously seen only in TikTok comments sections and basement D&D sessions, must be chosen via a “vibes-based interview process” and is entitled to a yearly budget for “snacks and mild property damage.” In a concurring opinion, Justice Kagan wrote, “We can’t make the laws make sense, but we can make them juicy.”

Legal experts are divided. Professor Harold Finch of Yale Law called it “the most unhinged thing I’ve ever read, but I can’t look away.” Meanwhile, the National Association of Bailiffs has already filed a motion for “emergency earplugs.”