**URGENT: CBP Reminds Travelers That "Memorial Day" Is for Remembering, Not for Crossing the Border via Pogo Stick**

URGENT: CBP Reminds Travelers That “Memorial Day” is for Remembering, Not for Crossing the Border via Pogo Stick

By: The Onionville Gazette

In a bizarre yet predictably bureaucratic twist, U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) has issued a “special holiday travel warning,” but not for the reasons you might think. While most Americans are dusting off their coolers and preparing for three days of burnt hot dogs and patriotic pool floats, CBP is officially concerned that the meaning of “Memorial Day” has become a bit too literal for some aspiring border crossers.

“We are seeing an alarming uptick in civilian attempts to ‘storm the border’ using inflatable pool floats, kayaks, and—most concerningly—motorized novelty sombreros,” said a CBP spokesperson, visibly sweating over a PowerPoint slide titled “Beach Ball Ballistics.”

The irony, of course, is palpable. The agency tasked with securing our borders has spent the week begging Americans to please not use a holiday about solemn remembrance as a “free-for-all weekend for unauthorized family reunions via inner tube.” Comedians on Twitter were quick to roast the agency, noting that the warning essentially reads: “Please stop trying to honor the dead by re-enacting the Siege of Alamo with a cooler full of Bud Light and a jet ski.”

One viral TikTok video shows a man in a flannel shirt attempting to hurdle a low fence at the San Diego border while shouting, “AMERICA! I JUST WANT SOME COLE SLAW!” The caption reads: “CBP: ‘Sir, this is a national security boundary.’ Man: ‘And this is a national holiday—let me grill in peace.’”

In a stunning display of passive-aggressive patriotism, DHS has officially declared that “dunking a basketball” over the border fence is now considered a “host