**CBP MEMORIAL DAY WARNING: “NO ONE IS COMING to SAVE YOU”**

CBP MEMORIAL DAY WARNING: “NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE YOU”

Washington D.C. – In a stunning departure from the typical “pack your patience” safety messaging, U.S. Customs and Border Protection has issued a stark, apocalyptic travel advisory for the Memorial Day weekend, warning that the nation’s transportation infrastructure has reached a “moral breaking point.”

The official statement, posted early Friday morning, reads in part: “The roads are clogged. The airports are a chaos of entitled rage. The convenience stores are bare. And yet, you persist. This is not a breakdown of logistics; it is a breakdown of the social contract. You are no longer travelers, but a mob of competing appetites.”

The bulletin goes on to directly blame “the vulgar decline of civic virtue” for the expected gridlock, suggesting that the holiday—once a solemn remembrance of sacrifice—has been “hollowed out into a narcissistic pilgrimage for cheap hot dogs and a dock photo.”

“This isn’t a warning about traffic jams,” said a visibly shaken CBP spokesperson during a press conference that was abruptly cut short. “It is a warning about the hollowing of the soul. We are watching people honk at gravestones. There will be no border patrol for the spirit. No one is coming to save you from the boredom you brought upon yourself.”

The warning has ignited a firestorm of debate, with cultural commentators on both sides of the aisle agreeing that the government has finally told the truth.

“This is the first honest government communication in fifty years,” tweeted Prof. Helena Vance, a moral philosopher at Georgetown. “They’ve admitted that policy cannot fix a populace that has decided to rot from the inside out. We are a nation of pleasers trapped in a traffic jam of our own making.”

Critics, however, argue the statement is “fear-mongering elitism,” while one viral response