**BREAKING: CBP Issues "Emergency Memorial Day Travel Warning" – Americans Told to Prepare for Wait Times So Long, You'll Miss the Cookout and the Existential Dread**

BREAKING: CBP Issues “Emergency Memorial Day Travel Warning” – Americans Told to Prepare for Wait Times So Long, You’ll Miss the Cookout AND the Existential Dread

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire) – The U.S. Customs and Border Protection has issued an official “Memorial Day Travel Warning” today, but in a stunning twist, the agency isn’t warning about terrorism, cartels, or lost passports. Instead, they are warning Americans about Americans.

According to the press release, CBP is bracing for a “historic surge in vehicular and pedestrian traffic” that will result in “colossal, mind-bending line queues” at ports of entry. The warning, which reads less like a security bulletin and more like a hostage negotiation, advises travelers to “prepare for extended wait times that may exceed your ability to remember why you left your house in the first place.”

The meme community has already dubbed this the “Festivus for the Rest of Us” of travel alerts.

The irony is thick enough to cut with a plastic spork from a gas station hot dog. We are a nation obsessed with “going back to normal,” but CBP is essentially telling us that the ultimate Memorial Day sacrifice is not dying for your country, but sacrificing your entire Saturday waiting in a gridlocked line of minivans at the San Ysidro border crossing, listening to a distant mariachi band and the sound of your own sanity eroding.

The recommended “survival kit” included in the warning—extra water, snacks, and patience—has been memed as “The Great American Time-Out.”

The Bottom Line: CBP isn’t warning you about the enemy. They’re warning you about your fellow travelers. And the message is clear: Bring snacks, charge your iPad, and say goodbye to your plans for a relaxing weekend. The true meaning of Memorial Day is now gridlock.