**BREAKING: Warren Buffett Finally Admits He’s Just a Fancy Hoarder – Berkshire Hathaway’s Q3 Earnings Literally Just a Pile of Old Coupons and AASlightlyUsedFork**

BREAKING: Warren Buffett Finally Admits He’s Just A Fancy Hoarder – Berkshire Hathaway’s Q3 Earnings Literally Just A Pile Of Old Coupons And AASlightlyUsedFork

OMAHA, NE – In a move that has absolutely no one shocked, Berkshire Hathaway (BRK.A) released its Q3 earnings today, revealing that the “Oracle of Omaha” has apparently been running the world’s most elaborate yard sale.

The 13-F filing, which reads more like a Craigslist “Free Stuff” listing, shows that Buffett’s flagship holding company is now 92% cash, 6% decaying Apple shares, and 2% “I Owe You” notes from a dude named Chad who swears he’ll pay back the $50 million by next Tuesday.

In a press release sent via fax machine, Buffett clarified, “I saw a really good deal on a 2013 Toyota Camry with 200k miles on it, and I thought, ‘Why not leverage the entire US economy for this?’ Also, I bought $5 worth of Dogecoin. TL;DR: Diamond hands, losers.”

The revelation has sent the stock market into a tailspin, with analysts baffled as to why a man worth $100 billion is still clipping coupons for 10-cent discounts on canned beans. AITA for thinking this is just a giant midlife crisis? I can’t be the only one.

In a final note, the filing included a handwritten P.S.: “Also, to the person who stole my lawn gnome: I know it was you, Jamie Dimon. I’m coming for you.”

TL;DR: Warren Buffett cashed out everything to buy a used Camry and a lawn gnome. Stonks.