**Berkshire Hathaway Ditches 'Woke' Stocks, Goes All-in on 'Beer, Burgers, and Batteries' – Locals Go Wild**

Berkshire Hathaway Ditches ‘Woke’ Stocks, Goes All-In on ‘Beer, Burgers, and Batteries’ – Locals Go Wild

WARREN, OH – In a move that has the Water Cooler Warriors of the Berkshire County Facebook group absolutely livid with excitement, financial giant Berkshire Hathaway has reportedly dumped its entire stake in what they called “complicated ESG trendy nonsense” and poured $12 billion into a ‘Common Sense Portfolio’ consisting of Bud Light distribution rights, five McDonald’s franchises, and a controlling interest in Duracell.

“Finally, a billionaire who isn’t trying to teach my kids a lesson about pronouns and just wants to sell me a battery for my flashlight,” raged local resident and group admin, Karen Miller. “I’ve been saying for years: if you can’t buy it with cash in a Waffle House parking lot, it isn’t real investing.”

The move, announced via a cryptic, one-sentence press release (“We like things that make noise and taste good.”), sent shockwaves through the financial world. Analysts are baffled, but the comments section on the ‘Berkshire County Real Talk’ Facebook page is ecstatic. Residents are already planning to celebrate by “aggressively grilling” in their driveways.

“I’m going to buy a generator, a cooler of beef patties, and a case of light beer,” posted local handyman Bob. “This is the economic stimulus we actually needed. Not stimulus checks—stimulus protein.”

The only concern? A shortage of AAA batteries for TV remotes is expected by noon.